Jesus Said I Could Do It

My husband left me. It sounds as if our marriage was bad, but actually we got along pretty good. We didn't fight very much until the very end of our marriage. Those arguments were over the goodness of the marriage.

When he left me our two daughters were one and five years old. Actually, the morning he finally told me he was leaving was the day we had planned my one year old's birthday party. My husbands family was coming (my family lives in another state), and several friends and their children. I was in a state of shock. I had been crying all morning, and had to fake it throughout the party so as to not ruin my daughter's only first birthday party.

It was hard, but everything was fine. But after the party, my husband left. What I mean is is that he moved out. I remember sitting on the couch as he was driving away and realizing that I didn't even know why he left me. He had never said anything like we've grown apart, or that he was having an affair. All I knew was that he didn't want to be married to me anymore.

I kept thinking that he would come back. I thought we were just separated. But after a couple of weeks it became apparent that this was not to be the case. One afternoon, I called his apartment to talk, and a girl answered. When I asked who it was, I was told, in no uncertain terms that she was my husband's friend and she had just gotten back from the grocery store. The conversation ended with her telling me about my deepest secrets (the ones I had confided only to my husband) as verbal weapons against the very core of who I was at the time. She hurt me so much I cannot describe the shock and pain of it. I felt like I had just come out of an evil altercation with a street fighter. I wasn't the fighting kind - had never been involved with a person like her -and was quite shocked at the whole ordeal.

Here was a girl, that I didn't even know verbally attacking me as if I had done harm to her. Needless to say, I hung up in a state of shock. I finally had the answer. I finally knew why my husband had left me. I finally, in hind sight, recognized all of the clues that I had previously ignored because of my deep and total sense of trust in him.

Devastation hit, and it hit hard. I was on automatic pilot during the day. I tried my best to go through all of the correct motions. But after I put my children to bed at night, I went into my bedroom, closed the door, climbed into bed, and cried, and cried, and cried. This went on for a long time. I honestly don't remember if it was two weeks or four. However I do remember that at the time I felt like I was at the bottom of a hole. I felt so alone. I felt rejected - again. (My father left my mother and I when I was five, and he wasn't much of a father after that.) I felt no hope. I felt soooo alone. All I could do was cry. I felt such unbearable agony. I didn't even care if I lived or died. I didn't contemplate suicide - thoughts of my children kept me away from that. But I just didn't care about life - about living. My life seemed empty. I was nothing. I wasn't important. No one loved me. And that's how I feeling when He appeared.

I was lying on my back in my bed. I had finished crying. I was just being still, and thinking and feeling my thoughts of hopelessness. Then, suddenly, at the foot of my bed, was Jesus. He was very tall. His feet weren't on the floor, though I actually couldn't see them because they were hidden by my bed. He appeared to be about a foot off the floor, and his head was very close to the ceiling. He was wearing a light brown robe, typical of the kid of robe I've seen in Bible pictures. Jesus looked right at me, and very calmly said, "Shelia, you can do it." Then he was gone. I didn't feel shocked, nor afraid. I had no reaction. I just heard the information. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt different. I decided that if Jesus thought I could do it (go on with life), that I must have the ability to do so. So I began trying. And of course I was able to.

Today I realize that life doesn't present you with obstacles. Instead it presents you with opportunities to discover who you are in relationship to them. God Is Good. And with that thought I find extreme happiness and an inner freedom to grow. I have realized that we are all on our path to knowing who God is, from knowing what God isn't. We are all going about it in our own way because God gave us the freedom to do so. We are all equal. We are all going to realize our Godness eventually. For that reason alone, life is definitely worth living.