Present In Spirit

It's always best to start at the beginning, so I'll start with my baptism. I was seven when I was baptized into the Roman Catholic faith. I remember I was very excited because I was finally dressed in, "Big Girl Clothes." Meaning I was wearing knee socks instead of bobbie socks and I thought my light green dress very grown up. As we were getting ready I asked my mother where we; she, myself and my aunt, were all going. She said we were going to church so I could get baptized. I asked her what that meant and she said it meant Jesus, the Son of God, would come and live in my heart. She then asked me if I wanted him to come live in my heart. I very enthusiastically told her, "Yes!. When we arrived at the church I was very disappointed. My aunt picked me up and carried me like a baby down the isle to a very old priest who poured water over my head. I was upset because I was certain everyone could see my underpants! Once we came back to the house, my mother sent me outside in my winter coat to play without even having me change clothes. I went out alone and it was as if everything had gone from black and white to Technicolor in an instant. I had a brand new relationship with the Holy Trinity. I remember looking at the ground and seeing where the grass was growing up green through the snow patches and feeling exuberant and joyful just to see it. I recognized the joy being the Holy Spirit in me. I also recall looking at the side of our house and touching the bits of glass in the stucco.

I stopped and marveled at how beautiful the human hand is and was thanking God for His amazing glory. Remember I'm seven at this time. Then I stopped as I heard the Father tell me that everything I was looking at was already disappearing. Someday everything would be gone, completely destroyed. I asked, " Even my mother?" And he said, "Yes."{ I wasn't afraid because He said He never would end. And He said it would be a long time before these things happened. Then He said to remember what He had told me. For years I went around trying to remember the things that I liked, the things in our house, my mother's face. The Son told me that He was the road, the bridge to Heaven. But over the years I slowly forgot what they told me.

I didn't remember until I was about 22-23 or so. I was going through a really terrible break up with a young man who I was certain was, "The One." (Silly Girl) I couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't just another relationship that needed to end, but instead that he was the one, that this relationship was supposed to be a blessing from God. To make a long story short, I went back to the Trinity and the Blessed Mother for help. After praying day and night for over a year I still believed he was the one and that something terrible was happening as he drifted further and further away.

I couldn't understand how I could be so wrong, then I decided to ask God for a sign, so I went out on our balcony and was praying a rosary when a voice very clearly and authoritatively said, "Move your legs." I obeyed immediately and even as I was moving my legs off the wall of the balcony where I had propped them, a scorpion came scampering down the wall right behind. I grabbed a can of bug killer and sprayed it until it dropped and I put a jar over it. I knew my angel had saved me from a very nasty sting.

Later that night I tried praying again, asking for a sign to let me know if my discernment was right. I prayed the rosary and fell asleep on the couch. I was awakened from a very deep sleep and I felt something very powerful and spiritual there and as I opened my eyes I saw a red light streaming around me. I asked, Is that you Lord?, and then the light became very ugly to me and it was swallowed up by a blue light that was cool and very soothing as opposed to the hot violent red light. Once the lights were gone I was exhausted and fell back asleep.

Still unable to discern what I should do about this relationship, I continued to pray a rosary everyday, sometimes more than one, and to fast, attend Mass, take eucharist, go to confession. One night after finishing praying a rosary I asked, "May I please know now?" In the instant I prayed that question I felt the Holy Mother leave my side where she had been praying with me, (Though I hadn't been aware of her until just then.) and go to the Father's throne and say, "Carmen wants to know if she can please know now." The Father said, "No." And she came back to me. She knew I had been present in spirit. It wasn't the answer I wanted. There was no elaboration.

It's been twenty years since those things happened, but I remember them very clearly and am still grateful for those blessings that keep my faith strong. By the way, the relationship continued over a couple more years to get weaker and weaker until he finally drifted away completely. I married and divorced twice, never again feeling like I did about that boy or that relationship. Never felt any other relationship was something holy, a treasured gift from God. However, I do have two children I know are treasured gifts from God, as is my faith in the Holy Trinity and in the Intersession of the Blessed Mother.

I've been blessed with many other, "happenings" but I think these are enough for now. Thank you for letting me share.