A Breath of Fresh AirIt's so hard to explain what happened to me because it was so surreal. I had been depressed for months and I didn't know why. All I could ever think about was what I didn't have in my life and why God put me in this position, because I felt I was such a weak person that I could never live up to anyone's expectations.
All I wanted was to be loved by my family, have friends who truly cared about me and listened to me, and to relieve pressure from school and family life because I felt so overwhelmed, but it seemed like I could never do anything right. My whole existence seemed to be based upon other people and what they wanted instead of what I wanted. I was living other people's dreams and aspirations and not my own. I didn't know who I was. All I knew was what other people wanted me to be.
Finally, all this caught up with me. Many times I wondered what it would be like to die and where I would go afterwards and if it was better than this? But I could never do anything myself about it… because I was too scared and I was so indecisive because I was so used to people telling me what to do or not to do that I couldn't make decisions about anything.
So, I prayed to God. I prayed for things to get better… but they never did… Soon my prayers turned into… God, please take me away from here… let me die! Please… Those were the only thoughts laying in my head before I went to bed. The night this all culminated I went to sleep but it was weird. I could feel myself going to sleep and I felt light-headed and like my soul wasn’t attatched to my body anymore… I fell asleep and then in the middle of the night I had the clearest dream ever. And it was a dream… I wasn’t awake I don't think.
I was dreaming that I was in a bar with a bunch of smoke or something and there was this troll. It was yelling at me but I couldn't hear anything and I got the worst feeling ever imagined… like the feeling that everything in your life went wrong at the exact same moment. The troll held up a gun and like in slow motion the troll shot me. Then I woke up in my dream. And I couldn't move. I could feel my outward body asleep. My eyes were still closed. It was as if my mind was awake but my body wasn't following. All I could do was stare at the window. MY blinds were down yet it seemed almost light outside… like an eerie glow that shouldn't have been there. I tried to move but I couldn't. I started to float up… not my body but my mind… or something. I could sense my body and see my body beneath me. Organ music started to play and everything seemed to speed up.
Before this I was peaceful but then I felt I couldn’t breathe… that I didn't need to. The Organ music played first played 3 distinct notes and then a fanfare of organ music. I started to float in a different direction like backwards and all the while I was calling to God through my mind… No! I didn't mean it. I want to live! It's not my time yet! And then I woke up startled back in my body with breath of fresh air.