New Life, New HopeWe are neither the light, nor the message. We are the messengers.
We are...nothing. You are...for us...everything
- Wim Wenders, Faraway, So Close
In August 2003, several months after losing my job and my income, I became a volunteer at a renowned Chicago hospital which I will call Southeastern. I had been so sad and depressed for months thinking I was not good enough for anything anymore and almost losing all hope. My volunteer job was to escort new parents and their newborns to the lobby when they were being discharged from the hospital. Many times I got to carry the newborn in my arms because it was against hospital policy for a new mom to carry new baby down, but when we got the lobby she could take the baby back into her arms. In September I had an early morning visit from my angel. Up since at 4:00 A.M. with heartburn so bad I couldnŐt sleep, I finally settled into my pillow around 7:30 AM, but actually felt like I was wrapped in the arms of my angel. I had the profound feeling of being cradled and surrounded by her wings. Will I ever get well? I asked. Will the open emotional wounds ever heal? My angel responded in the here and now.
I sent those babies to you for you to see new life first hand and share in the hope that these new souls offer. I arranged this for your good and for you to be able to witness with your own eyes the beginning of new life and thereby start to heal. I put this in your path for your healing and as a learning experience. You will do this for about a year and then expect another miracle?
But I still could not believe. I kept going back to the pain and asking if I would ever really recover; ever really feel like a whole person again. The nightmares of my past horrific jobs still haunted me and felt like an open wound that would not close. The inability to find a new job only reinforced my feelings of not being good enough to do anything anymore. Strange how our linear, logical and frightened minds stuck in the heaviness and negativity of this earth, find it so difficult to accept the absolute wisdom of our guardian angels and spirit guides.
We fight against what our souls know to be true. Of course our spirits are so far removed from our brains. Our minds make it so difficult and at times, impossible, to comprehend the fact that miracles are a reality. On a soul level I knew that what I was being given was true. When I thought that way it made me so happy like there really was a God who loved us so much as to put us in an angel's charge.
My angel persisted Breathe in the light and the love and breathe out the pain. You will only heal when you are willing to let it happen. You must let go of the past heartaches and live each day as it comes? I remembered my mother's favorite biblical quote: Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.?
For a second I truly believed that the entire experience with the newborns had been arranged by my angel, but then I wavered again into my limited thinking. Back and forth between is this my imagination or just a dream that I invented. Or was this in fact a miracle. Certainly the synchronicity was evident. The program of carrying the babies was only instituted the very month that I was fired and then had fallen into place just at the moment I had given up all hope of ever hearing from Southeastern. And the experience had given me a chance to get out of the loneliness of being home alone day after aimless day and feeling that I was worthless.
I still suffered from depression and some days were better than others. But now I had a destination and an opportunity to meet all kinds of new people. Having never even seen a newborn baby up close, it was all so new to me. Seeing the young parents so proud of their new child and so full of hope had taken me out of my own doldrums for a little while each week. Would I be able to do this for a whole year? What would I live on? How would I survive and would I lose my house?
My angel was growing weary of trying to convince me and I finally fell into my usual deep morning sleep. I knew if I got up and attempted to write down any of what I was being told, it would fade away just like an elusive dream. If I slept then my conference with my angel would be over for now. I had to try to remember word for word what had been transmitted -- never an easy thing to do. But I had gotten the essence. The entire volunteering situation at Southeastern was meticulously arranged step by step on a higher plane by my angel for my renewal a kind of soul healing. And there was definitely a reason why I was at that particular place at this exact time.
So what had I learned? Instead of sitting home alone, friendless and despondent, I found that going out, even if only for a few days a week, and seeing those beautiful little humans just arrived from heaven had given me a small kind of understanding. Even a glimmer of hope. They gave me back the anticipation that a new life always demonstrates. They gave me a reason to try to continue living. However slight, it was renewal they were teaching with their bright, shining faces and just by looking at them I knew that life does indeed go on. I knew that no matter how bad things got and no matter how down I felt, my angel was always close by planning a miracle to help me keep hope alive.